Nerd Of Honour

Newcastle Herald

Saturday March 10, 2007

That's life - BEN QUINN

When I had the cheeks and crack out of my pants about five years ago, a knight in shining armour rode to my rescue on his noble Arab charger.

The woman I loved was a world away in France, whispering sweet nothings of reconciliation down the telephone line and imploring me to catch the next flight.

There were fundamental problems. I was in debt up to the summit of my pointy magician's hat, I had nowhere to live, work was a drag, beer seemed flat and Irvine Welsh's latest novel, Porno, turned out to be a dud tease.

All I wanted to do was hang out in the garden eating worms.

My youngest brother, Ramon the Spanish Pimp, liberated me from my quicksand depression.

"Come and stay at my place for a few months," he urged. "You might not exactly detox, but you can get your head together."

Though we drank plenty it was a sobering experience, relying on my youngest brother to unobtrusively nurse me through a rough patch. That's why Oprah calls Ramon my "rock".

By that stage I had inhabited six rental properties and the residence of a grand old pub. I was averaging a move a year, which takes a toll on a person who thinks Manual Labour is a Spanish guitarist.

Apart from books and records, I didn't have the proverbial pot to lay cable in.

Ramon did. He had recently renovated an old weatherboard joint with his missus and a little help from their friends. They had one of the most comfortable brascos I have ever had the pleasure of sitting upon. By the brasco sat Leonard Maltin's Complete Movie Guide.

Though the tome educated me in the realm of celluloid trivia, I could never match wits with Ramon.

Without breaking a sweat he could tell you the name of the gaffer who chalked Paul Newman's cue in The Hustler, the key grip who buffed Schwarzenegger's pecs in Commando, the publicist who tried valiantly to put a positive spin on Gigli, and the tub of lard who was paid in pork chops and root beer for playing John Candy's body double in Who's Harry Crumb?.

Suffice to say, Ramon has been known to get a little bit uptight when he's had a gutful of absinthe and someone has the audacity to challenge his status as the undisputed king of useless movie guff.

Such was the case recently during one crowded hour when the wine was overflowing and the debate turned to the greatest nerd movie of all time.

I argued that To Kill A Mockingbird should be the winner because its hero, Atticus Finch, was a super-sensitive brainiac who read actual books and stared down bullies through his Coke-bottle glasses.

Ramon's frustration boiled over. "You're a tosser. The greatest nerd movie, without a shadow of a doubt, is Revenge Of The Nerds. Just ask the great Leonard Maltin! Anthony Michael Hall gets a merit award for his appalling work in Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club."

Ramon had me cold, but I soldiered on pig-headedly. "You'd know all about nerds mate."

Then something occurred to me. "Weird Al Yankovic is the godfather for your kind. I bet he would agree with my bold choice ahead of your gutless wonder, Captain Obvious."

"Why don't you ask him?" Ramon mocked.

"I will," I spat contemptuously.

And so I did. Weird Al was in a chatty mood down the line from LA when we hooked up to talk about his upcoming Newcastle show.

"Weird Al," I ventured, "it would be fair, would it not, to call you nerd royalty?"

A glass-shattering geek cackle!

"I was the kind of kid you would copy off in maths then beat up at lunch," he conceded.

"It's hard to convince people you're a gangster when you play the accordion. A lot of times I was my only companion because no one wanted to be friends with an accordion player, let alone have them in their bands.

"Nerd-dom is in my DNA. You can dress up a nerd in designer clothes, but he's still a nerd on the inside. It's nice to know nerds are the ruling class these days."

Feeling at ease, I sought his vote for the greatest nerd movie of all time, hoping for a philosophical answer.

"Outside of my own film [The Vidiot From UHF], it's a no-brainer," he said. "Revenge Of The Nerds, hands down. It's the one everyone remembers. We want bush . . ."

"What about To Kill A Mockingbird?" I probed.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," came the gobsmacked reply.

To the victor, the spoils.

Weird Al Yankovic took Ramon the Spanish Pimp's side over mine in an absurd debate about nerd films.

Some trivia for the grandkids, who won't give a toss.

? Weird Al Yankovic, the permed freak behind parody hits such as Eat It, Fat and Amish Paradise, plays the Civic Theatre on March 22.

© 2007 Newcastle Herald

Back to News Index | Back to Home